Heart101: Break-ups
“It’s not you, it’s me”. “This is not working out.” “I don’t love you anymore.” “I love someone else.”… blah blah blah… Common lines for break up, no matter what your soon to be ex says.. no matter what the reason is.. It’s so painful. Break up, yes break up. It is the one of the most hated situations of the human race. It’s so painful that you want to kill someone right at that moment, but even if it is so painful, you need to accept the fact that your soon to be ex-lover does love you no more. I know that it is so hard to go on with life after break up. Come to think of it, that it is just a phase of life that will make you stronger, better and mature.. OOPPSS! we’re becoming serious about this thing.. I want to talk to you about this in a lighter conversation. I don’t want you to tear up, well we’ll talk about this in a not so serious way.
First thing to do after break up - get a blade, knife or whatever thingy that is sharp then cut your wrist.. wait for a moment, when your sight become blurry and you feel as if it is so cold then YEY, you’re nearly dead.. hahahaha.. Kidding! you’re so stupid if you’ll waste your beautiful life over a pathetic person who broke your heart.
Again (sorry for the inconvenience, I’m kind of tipsy) First thing to do after break up - Reminisce the past. Think of those stolen moments you had, the moment that you and your ex met. The first date. The first kiss. The first s*x if you did it. The moment you sneak out the window while your parents are in their room (are they having s*x that time?). The first fight. THINK OF IT ALL! remember them all. It will make you depressed and you’ll ask yourself : What went wrong? Have I done something wrong? Is he/she not satisfied with me? contented with me? What’s the problem? (Well, there’s nothing wrong with you. Maybe you’re too paranoid or somewhat annoying, but your ex is really the problem. TRUST ME!)
After reminiscing the “we almost had it all thoughts” listen to songs. There are three kind of songs I want you to listen to:
1. We almost had it all, I thought I’ll gonna be married at the age of 25 songs.
2. I’m so sad, I miss my ex songs.
3. I hate my ex, I’m so depressed that I want to commit suicide songs.
and surely, during listening to those songs I know that you’ll cry! TRUST ME! but there’s no problem in crying. Those tears are worth the cry. It will ease the pain slowly. If you’re so depressed that you want to commit suicide I’m recommending you to stop listening. Just CRY.
CRY it all out. CRY it out loud. CRY as if there’s no tomorrow. CRY a river or should I say CRY an ocean?
After the tear jerker moment. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look closely. Look at your face. Then focus on your eyes. They are big as tennis balls. Don’t blame me for that. haha.. You chose to follow my advice. A cucumber can get that. Then look at your facial skin. Do they have zits or break outs? if yes go to the nearest dermatologist, if no then SHOOT! your Blessed ( angel singing “HAAAAAAAAAAH”).
After the face, look upward. Look at your hair. Even if it is smooth as silk, you need to change your hairstyle. I really don’t know why girls are cutting their hair short after break ups (can you please tell me why. just contact me.) Then proceed to getting a bigger mirror.
Wait! Warning: This next step will determine if you’ll do it the hard way or the easy way. If you are big like a chunk of a tree trunk, you’ll do it the hard way, but if you are like a feather floating in the sky then lucky you, you’ll do it the easy way.
Let’s go back onto you looking at yourself at the bigger mirror. Look at yourself, look at yourself and concentrate on your body. If you see something like an 1009.098 kilo elephant then fuck! go to the gym. Workout 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Diet. Don’t eat for ten days!. but if you see something like a paper. A sheet of paper. Or you are thin like a bulimic bitch then you’ll do it the easy way.
Eat it all in. Shove it all in your mouth. From ice cream to soup. Bread to crackers. Red meat to white meat. From Veggies to junkies. Eat it All. Eat as if 2012 is coming.
After that, Let’s proceed on your closet. If you’re clothes are like as if you are living in the 50’s then GOSH! you need to throw the clothes. You need new ones.
But before we go shopping, I’ll hand you a book titled ” Shopping101: How to dress like you’ll go to the house party next door.” It’s a 12 page handbook that will guide you on what to buy to unleash the inner demons inside you. Here are the tips inside the book:
1. Buy something that will rock that hot bod that you have. Tight fitting clothes, Crotch fitting bottoms.
2. Accessorize yourself. Put that bling on.
and for the other tips, just read it on the book, I’m too lazy to type it all here.
Then, after the shop, go to your closet. Throw the old clothes out and burn them with all the stuff that your ex gave you. Don’t cheat, you can’t keep even one picture.. hmmm don’t cheat!
Those tips I mentioned earlier are just the typical reinvention of you. After following my tips, you can stroll around town with the “Look at me now, I know that you think I’m Hot” look. Lucky you if you pass by your ex, give your ex that snobbish aura, and for sure your ex will have “I’m so dumb, why did I break up with him/her” thoughts. Yey!
After the reinvention, your reborn. Go out with friends. Party all night. Party like hell! but for sure you can’t escape the moment that your friends will ask you about the break up. And for sure, you’re mood will shift. You’ll think about it again. but here’s the consequence in thinking about it and be entirely affected about the breakup ( You’ll become sad and it will ruin your night. You’ll go home and cry about it again.) so just give them a smirk, that sinister’s smile, and let them know that you’re ok without saying anything. It will lead you to a great night. A night full of flirts around. Get drunk and fuck somebody in the parent’s room of your friend.
Time will pass. You’ll never notice that you are getting better. The pain is fading away.
Break up. yes break up. It’s just a phase. You need to experience it to complete your life. Get over it. By the time that your boyfriend or girlfriend break up with you.. Just raise your middle finger and shout “YEAH!”
p.s. - this tips are not applicable to MARRIED people.
